EPISODE 1: IT'S ALIVE… IT’S ALIVE!!!!

Krystal
Oct 14
7 min read

FRANKENTITTIES IS ALIVE!

Hi, I’m Krystal, your host and the first person to spill my guts in this ridiculous and slightly inappropriate podcast. This first episode is about the BIGGEST plot twist of my life. While I have so many other stories to tell (and trust me, I will), my first breast cancer diagnosis literally changed the trajectory of my life—but not without a whole lot of tears, trauma, and inappropriate jokes that made me laugh so I didn’t drown in the river of tears I was crying. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured and might be your hardest too.

This is my story, and I know I tell it in a way that’s much more unfiltered, raw, and filled with a lot more curse words than most “Breast Cancer Awareness” ads. I’m okay with that. If it helps someone who’s going through this while making them laugh a little, then I’ve succeeded in helping them find a little light in the darkness that is cancer. We’ve officially trauma-bonded in the best way possible.

Breast cancer is its own horror movie. Remember that you are not defined by your diagnosis and you do not have to do this alone. Here are some incredible resources specific to the Hill Country area of Texas, as well as a few national resources:

RESOURCES FOR BREAST CANCER WARRIORS:

Pink Warrior Advocates - A supportive community that empowers individuals affected by breast cancer while advocating for their emotional and financial wellbeing. They have BOTH local and National Programs and partnerships
Austin Face and Body (Dr. Schneider) - Offers aesthetic services for breast cancer survivors, focusing on recovery and self-esteem. They are a great option for reconstruction including Implants, DIEP flap, fat grafting, revisions and more.
Texas Oncology New Braunfels - Local branch offering personalized cancer treatment and care.
Texas Oncology San Marcos - Dedicated to providing quality cancer care in the San Marcos area.
We Are Perky - Specializes in nipple and eyebrow tattooing for breast cancer survivors. They are some of the best in the NATION and are huge advocates for the breast cancer community.
American Cancer Society - Offers support, information, and resources for cancer patients and their families. They are a great resource for ALL CANCERS.
Dollar For - Provides financial assistance to individuals facing cancer treatment costs. They will help cover medical bills that you have already paid.
Visit AnaOno they create beautiful and comfortable intimates specifically designed for individuals affected by breast cancer and other medical conditions. Their bras are a necessity for post mastectomy, post reconstruction or even as everyday wear. They are breast inclusive and ANYONE can find a bra that fits their boobs and their needs.

BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR'S GUIDE:

KNOW YOUR OPTIONS:

Knowing your options is your first weapon in this horror movie called cancer. Every survivor needs to take certain steps to make it to the sequels—your next chapters of life, health, and badassery. From understanding treatment choices to building your killer crew, these tips will help you survive the first weeks and months after hearing the words “YOU HAVE CANCER.” Think of this as your survival handbook for navigating the chaos, making informed decisions, and keeping your sense of humor intact along the way.

IT IS NOT OKAY, IT IS NOT FAIR, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS:

Let me say it loud for the people in the back: CANCER IS INDISCRIMINATE! It happens to all types of people of all ages, sexes, religions, and races. This is not a punishment. It isn’t something you caused. You do NOT have to be “okay” with it. It isn’t fair, it isn’t rational, but it IS survivable.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING (AND TAKE A TRUSTED SIDEKICK):

Take a trusted support person with you—someone who can handle this heavy shit. It’s good to have someone who can retain all the info you get in your CANCER TUNNEL when you can’t even remember what day it is. Asking for help is my fucking kryptonite, so believe me, I had to take my own advice. Put your pride aside. You are going to need help. Giving your co-survivors a task isn’t just practical—it’s a gift. Their feelings are parallel to yours. They’re scared, helpless, and want to do something. Let them.

FIND YOUR KILLER CREW

I want to be blunt and tell you it’s time to give the FINAL CUT to all the drama queens and kings. This battle is going to take everything you have, so don’t feel guilty about cleaning out your friendship closet and making room for the people that are positive, supportive, and add value. Even if they’re blood. You don’t need a huge circle, just a few good people. Surround yourself with others who have experienced this—your fellow BREASTIES. If you don’t have one yet, allow me to introduce myself: “Hi, I’m Krystal, this shit sucks and welcome to this fucked up club. I’m here for all your cancer needs.”

DON’T RUSH

Take a beat. I know you’re thinking, “I HAVE CANCER, LET’S START THIS SHIT!” Trust me, I get it. But take time to find the RIGHT doctor, the RIGHT surgeon, and a medical team that listens to you and works around your life. You are not BREAST CANCER PATIENT #3,472. Know your options: lumpectomy, single or double mastectomy, DIEP Flap, expanders, implants—find the choice that’s best for YOU.

FOR ALL MY FREAKS (CONTROL FREAKS, THAT IS)

I speak from experience: giving up control is one of the hardest parts of this journey. But reality check—you don’t control most things in life. Cancer just makes you hyperaware. Freak the fuck out over the things you cannot control: diagnosis, chemo, surgery, side effects. Scream, cry, lose your shit! Feel better? Now accept it. Accept that you can’t change it. Great. Now TAKE CONTROL of what you CAN: which implants you want, what badass wig you’ll rock, who you spend time with, and what epic trip you’re taking once the hard treatments are over.

MY FAVORITE COPING MECHANISM...DARK HUMOR

No matter how scary, traumatic, or ridiculous it gets, dark humor is survival juice. Laugh when you can. Cry when you need. Freak the fuck out over things you can’t control. But remember: surviving cancer is the ultimate plot twist, and if you can make it through with a little humor, you’re already winning.

THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE CHECKOFF:

To survive ANY scary movie, you need a weapon and a plan. So here are some of the things I found helpful while taking on the horror that is cancer. This isn’t a one-stop shop, and every survivor’s journey is different, but these were lifesavers for me.

GENERAL CANCER NEEDS

☐ Ride or Die Cosurvivor – Pick a friend or family member to be your ultimate support. Someone who can handle the heavy shit, remember details when you’re in your cancer tunnel, and laugh (or cry) with you. Asking for help is my fucking kryptonite, so believe me, I had to take my own advice. Put your pride aside. You’ll need help, and it gives your cosurvivor a gift too—they feel useful and not helpless.

☐ To-Do Lists for Family & Friends – Give them a list: meal trains, driving to appointments, picking up kids, holding space for you. Share your Amazon wishlist too—trust me, it’s easier than trying to explain it on the fly.

☐ Cancer Calendar – Track surgeries, chemo, and appointments. Make it shareable with your support crew so everyone knows where to be and when.

☐ Find a Support Page or Group – Pink Warrior Advocates has an online Facebook group and in-person meetups in the Hill Country. Pick wisely—some groups are negative. Don’t give up if the first one isn’t right.

☐ Counselor – I NEEDED HELP to keep me from falling off the sanity cliff and navigate the chaos of body changes, emotions, and trauma. Find someone who makes you comfortable, gives you tools to cope, and doesn’t judge your meltdown. Advocate for yourself if the first one isn’t right.

SURGERY NEEDS

☐ Mastectomy Bras (2–3) – The hospital sends you home with ONE, basically a torture device. AnaOno makes great options and has BOGO specials.

☐ Comfy Robe – Stick your drains in the pockets.

☐ Button-up Shirts / Pajamas – Easy access for drains and comfort.

☐ Mastectomy Pillow – For sleeping and commuting home.

☐ Scar Tape, Hot/Cold Neck & Eye Pillows, Safety Pins for Drains – Because you’ll be juggling a lot.

☐ Notebook for MEDS- you may be out of it when on pain meds or be taking multiple. Find a way to keep notes of this during your first couple of weeks whether it is a physical notebook or the notes app on your phone.

☐ Sodium Docusate , Tylenol, Ibuprofen– Have all of these on hand for the first couple of weeks following your surgery to help keep pain and constipation under control (WARNING: BE SURE TO CHECK WITH HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS BEFORE USE, SPECIFICALLY FOR CONTRAINDICATIONS/OR DOSAGE ISSUES,AND GET THEM TO GIVE INSTRUCTIONS ON WHEN/HOW TO TAKE THEM WITH YOUR OTHER PRESCRIBED MEDICATIONS)

CHEMO NEEDS

☐ Bag for Chemo Goodies – Neck pillow, soft blanket (it’s freezing in chemo rooms), headphones, tablet or audiobooks, eye mask, new episode of "PLOT TWIST: STILL ALIVE...you know the stuff that entertains you.

☐ Easy Port Access Clothes – Button-up or off-the-shoulder tops.

☐ Snacks & Water – Bring your favorite chewies and stay hydrated.

☐ Wigs, Headscarves, Ball Caps – You don’t need a fancy wig. Most of mine were under $50 on Amazon. Have fun with colors, try a few before hair loss, and embrace being a BALD BADDIE if it comes to that!

☐ Journal / Coloring Book / Crosswords – Distraction and mental sanity.

☐ Driver – Someone you trust to get you there and back.

RADIATION NEEDS

☐ Mental Strength – You’re showing up daily for a treatment that’s uncomfortable, and sometimes painful.

☐ Skin Relief – Check with your healthcare team, but some survivors use Desitin, Aquaphor, Eucerin, or Vaseline.

☐ Support Crew – Emotional cheerleaders, distractions, and someone to laugh or cry with.

THE END… OR IS IT???

I wish that I could say that " CANCER" all ends when you finally kill it and survive the worst...but I'd be lying. Most of us who have had cancer know this. We live with the scars, the grief, the scanxiety, the fear of it returning, and some live with a lifetime of diagnosis. Like any trauma, it changes you FOREVER. But if I can find purpose in this shitty thing that has happened to me, then I can have power over it. I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY CANCER DIAGNOSIS AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!! Now join me in raising two middle fingers in the sky and saying "FUCK CANCER".....unless your reading this in church or at an elementary school or something...then just think it.

I hope this episode (which releases Tuesday, October 21st) and this blog have been helpful, a little hilarious, and above all, a reminder that you are NOT ALONE. I mean that straight from the bottom of my horror-movie-loving, sarcastic, survivor heart.

If you need to connect, vent, ask questions, or just scream into the void, I’VE GOT YOU. Shoot me an email—I PROMISE TO RESPOND. In the meantime remember....PLOT TWIST: YOU’VE GOT THIS, BITCH!